Breakable
by TheLonelyGreyWolf
Summary: When two broken souls meet, and try to heal each other's wound with their own. Rated T for suicidal thoughts.
1. Chapter 1

**It's said: Unleash your imagination... Well, that's what I'm doing here.**

 **Izaya's POV, Raira days.**

 **Italic means thoughts.**

 **Disclaimer: I only own my imagination and the scenes.**

 **Btw, it's kind of depressing. :/**

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Drowning in solitude, feeling the breeze caress his cheeks as he detaches himself from the subdued sounds of the town, he sits calmly. His legs swinging over the edge of his seat, they were light and he almost feels like flying...he almost tries to fly, because it was the top of a very high building where he is sitting, contemplating.

He knew he'd feel good if he had someone to exchange his ideas with, that he'd feel much more relieved. And it isn't hard to get a person for this task, he is quite popular and outgoing when he decided to be. But today, it is different. He is not considering feeling better, nor is he expecting his contemplation to make him more relaxed, because actually, it was quite the opposite.

Today, he decided, was the day. He had been at this skyscraper before this day, he found this spot long ago, but it never invoked this feeling, abhorrent feeling of loneliness and self-loathing, until lately.

Until a week ago, this place was his favorite. It was his only shelter from the cruel world, its silence was the shroud to his conflicted emotions, it was his special hide out when he needed to be alone. He often complained here where no one was hearing, he screamed and cried when he felt lonely, betrayed, useless and pathetic, and no one was there, never there, because who would hang around at the top of a skyscraper at moments of dawn and dusk? But then, after a moment of weakness, he'd feel better and free and fresh as new, he'd be as happy-go-lucky as he's used to be, all thanks to the skyscraper he found solace within its confines.

A gust of air blew his hair as he tries to stand at the edge of the building, swaying slightly. When he finds his balance, he looks down, immediately feeling the wave of vertigo creeping up to him but he decides not to avert his eyes. He is used to heights, easily walked on the rooftops of the city, but his messed-up thoughts right now made him forget for a split of second how to deal with vertigo. He isn't hesitating, he isn't afraid, he isn't panicking, and his hands are definitely not shaking, or so he's telling himself. However, at all costs, he can't hesitate now, because he already made the decision.

One step, and everything will be okay. Just one step. And he's _not_ going to miss it.

And then, he smiles, all doubts vanishing and his ever-present confident making itself appear again. He takes a deep breath, recalling the causes that led him here and believing that all the suffering will end -for him and for everyone he knew- once he takes that one step. He then gazes at the sky, smiling fondly as if bidding it a bittersweet goodbye. He finally closes his eyes, lifts his right feet in the air, peeking at the alleyway beneath him, and he puts all his weigh on it.

Suddenly, he trips.

His eyes widen, his heartbeats quicken, his breath hitches, his limps start to tremble as he's falling backward. His eyes filling with tears as he lands on his backside.

 _What?_

 _What did just happen?_

 _What the hell have I just done?!_

 _Oh god!_

 _Did I miss it!? Did I freaking miss it!?_

Oh _.._

 _I just missed the stupid fall...oh gosh..._

His body gives a shudder as his eyes burn _'It can't be happening'._ He starts to tremble as his facade finally crumbles, violent tremors shaking him and he stares forward. He can do it again, he will do it again! He crawls rapidly until he clutches the edge of the building and peekes at the road beneath. It is so blurry he can't even make things, because tears are falling horribly down. A painful sob unintentionally breaks out, followed by others and he gazed eagerly down, a hand reaching forward trying to achieve what _he_ failed to do. And then, hell broke loose.

He starts to scream, loudly, frighteningly loud as he sobs for his failure. _I couldn't do it! I didn't do it! I DON'T WANT TO DO IT!_. He is scared, frightened, because even if he already met death before -in some intense fights-, now was the worst. He couldn't believe what he was about to do. He never wanted to die, yet he went and tried to do it. Oh gosh, it would have been painful, extremely so... who said he would be cast into oblivion as if nothing happened? Who said that the after-world won't punish him for his sins? His horrible sins. Oh, who said his life then won't be as _hellish_ as now?! Or worse for that matter?!

And he continues to cry, tears mingling with snot and his screams fading into the sounds of the busy town. _I don't want to die, not now, please don't make me die!_ He begs himself, all the while recalling the horrible sensation as he thought it would be over, as he fed himself with lies that everything would be alright, as he feigned confidence to the extant that he believed he was confident enough to do it. He cries as if there was no tomorrow, and eventually sleeps, lulled by his inner voice promising not to do that ever again.

And that was how he realized that even if he took a resolution about _it_ he could never do it, because he _wanted_ to live, no matter how cruel, repugnant, and miserable his life was, he would surpass it. He doesn't want to feel _that_ fear ever again, and he won't.

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 **Chapter 1 done. Comments? Questions? Criticism? Please Review.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Quotations "..." Mean talking. Quotations '...' mean thoughts. And...Birds chirp, so that's their sound.**

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 _Chirp, Chirp, Chirp_

'Huh?'

 _Chirp, Chirp, Chirp_

'Where am I?'

'Why is it so cold?'

 _Chirp, Chirp, Chirp_

'Since when do I hear birds from my house?'

He opens his eyes wearily, trying to recognize his surroundings. He rolls on his back, and when his eyes meet the faint rosy sky of morning, yesterday's events all come rushing to his mind, making him nauseous and utterly distraught, but puts up his facade, trying not to succumb to his negative feelings.

He gets up, momentarily forgetting he's on the edge of a building. As he feels the dizziness he bends a little trying to regain his calm, and at that move his feet slips. Before he knew it, he finds his hand clutching the edge of the building for dear life, because it was the only thing preventing him from falling further and meet his fate.

'Darn it!' He breaks in sweat, panicking slightly.

He tries to reach up his other hand to help him support his weight and jump to the roof. He is breathing calmly -albeit shakily- in order not to lose his focus. But then, both of his hands were kinda slippery thanks to the morning's dew.

XxXxXxX

On his way to school, a blonde, tall, monstrously strong boy is blowing off steam on every trash bin that crossed his way. His mind not able to settle since he realized that today was the _seventh_ day Izaya missed his classes.

He's not worried, at least not _for_ the flea. He is be worried for the sake of his school -if not Ikebukuro- being destroyed by some insane plans the flea must be planning during this absence. Izaya wasn't one to skip classes, he was always there to make trouble, but this week is an exception, and a very frustrating one at that. Because it can bring chaos to everyone!

"Aaaaaagh! Dammit Flea! Being a pain in the neck even when you're not there!" The blond fumes, kicking an electric lighting pole with his feet. He raises his head to check if he didn't damage the pole and stopped the light, but instead, as he lowers his head to continue his walk, he thinks something flickered at the corner of his eyes. He raises his head again, eyes darting to something moving at a top of a skyscraper. Mocha-colored eyes widen at the sight of something dangling from its edge.

''WHAT THE HELL?! A HUMAN?!" He screams as he instinctively rushes to the building, determined to save whomever was there.

'Shit shit shit' He pounds at the elevator, believing that it'd open faster if he did that. That person, didn't seem to try something stupid, because they were trying to hop to the roof. But how the hell would a person fall off a building at the early rays of day?! Darn it that person is surely insane! But no matter how insane they are, he would save them, before it was late!

Shizuo bursts out to the roof top, panting from anxiety and rushing to the edge across to him, finding his target. Without bothering to look at the person's face -perhaps the adrenaline blurred everything except his job to save that person- he pulls them up, putting them on the floor as he sits to catch his breath.

Slowly, after few seconds, Shizuo raises his head to check if that person was alright, perhaps scolding them for putting themselves in such dangerous, _stupid,_ situation. But that person beats him to it, because he flinches as he hears the amazed whistle of an all too familiar voice.

"Pheww, who knew Shizu-chan had a noble side beside being a monster?"

Shizuo's eyes widen at that.

"FLEA!?" He looks up, his jaw dropping at the sight. The 'flea' who was usually very elegant, has disheveled hair, wrinkled clothes, and his face is stricken with tear tracks the blond didn't believe Izaya could shed. And most of all, he found him at the brink of death trying to rescue himself, just what the hell is this stupid thinking?

"'Morning, Shizu-chan!" The brunette greets, hands tucked in his pockets as smirks his signature smirk. And before he could receive an answer, he continues "Well, I better take my leave now, don't want to be late for school" He finishes with sing-song. He turns to leave, but the blonde isn't letting this go easy, because that isn't easy at all.

As fast as he can, Shizuo reaches to take hold of Izaya's arm but the latter isn't that easy himself, he swiftly moves to the side, kicking the blonde in his back, and rushes to the door leading downstairs, smirking victoriously.

"Izaaayaa-kun!" the blond runs after him, but as the elevator closes at his face the moment he intends to enter, he growls in frustration and chooses the other way, the stairs.

When he reaches the ground-floor, panting, and exited the building to check the streets, he doesn't find the brunette anywhere.

'Damn you, flea!' He enters the building once again, heading for the public bathroom, not caring about missing school anymore. Even if he went, he'd just go to sit there and space out most of the time, thinking uselessly.

As he places his foot at the doorway of the bathroom he blinks, and then smiles. Izaya's coat was hanging from the door frame of one of the toilet's cabinet, it is surely his. Shizuo is sure it is his. He _wanted_ it to be his.

He turns on the faucet and starts to wash his face, needing to be fresh to encounter Izaya. He sits to wait for him, not uttering a sound as not to be discovered, because he wanted to catch him off-guard, unprepared, and force him to spill the reason behind his absence. When his waiting reaches the tenth minute, he decides to see what's wrong. He knocks softly at the door, changing his voice to a deep, calm, yet worried one, unlike his own.

"Sir, are you in there?" He tries, berating himself for letting his accent show. He receives no answer.

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 **Still the beginning, right? Don't worry though, things are getting better soon.**


	3. Chapter 3

He knocks again, beginning to worry. He then decides to go in another way, he tugs the blue coat down, a little bit hard, only to find it stuck somewhere inside.

The blond frowns, 'what the hell is happening?' He asks himself.

He pounds on the door twice and when nothing happens he acts on his instinct, breaking the lock. This done, he opens the door and his upper lip twitched upwards at the sight of a note stuck in the wall. "Thanks for caring, Shizu-chan! But I won't be caught!"

"I f***ing didn't care about you flea!" The blond monstrously growls. He turns around after ripping the paper, angrily tossing it in a nearby garbage can. In his bout of anger Shizuo goes straight home, trying not to think too much about the raven, but drastically failing to do so.

"You are not escaping anywhere tomorrow, flea!" Shizuo screams into the wind, earning few bewildered glances from the passersby . He pays them no attention. For all he knows, he is angry and caring for people's -pejorative- opinion would only fuel this emotion. He doesn't want to know the consequences of that.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

The next morning, on his way to school, Shizuo can't focus on anything thanks to the scene the raven caused yesterday. He can't look down while walking, for his eyes are always drifting to the rooftops hoping he could find his classmate somewhere - not in a dangerous, life threatening situation. He can't believe he was caring for _him_ now, his nemesis! But then, shouldn't he?

 _-Last night flashback-_

That night, right before sleeping, Shizuo started putting the pieces together. He hated himself for doing that, but he couldn't help it. Something was obviously wrong with Izaya and his gut told him that he can't just brush that feeling off. He tried to recapitulate the events to ease that feeling.

Well, to begin with, Izaya was at the rooftop of a skyscraper in the morning trying to save himself from being crashed to the bones. If he was doing some plans to destroy Ikubukuro wouldn't he at least be able to keep himself alive? He wouldn't allow himself to be so dangerously hanging there with a possibility of dying, this isn't like him at all, even if he wasn't planning anything. The guy was too cautious and vigilant for that to happen. Perhaps someone pushed him, thinking the raven might hurt him? Izaya would probably deserve it if that was the case. But then, that person has to be sued for attempted murder, trying to kill Izaya like that! (Even though Shizuo wanted to be the one to kill his nemesis)

The blond let out a frustrated sigh, no, no... No one can do that to his nemesis, he was too intelligent and ruse for his own good. He would rather be the killer if any murder occurred and he was involved. He even tried to kill Shizuo, the strongest man in Ikubukuro, no less! Besides, that's a petty way to kill someone anyways. Ugh, come to think of it, Izaya tried to kill Shizuo multiple times and yet he's trying to figure out his situation and he's freaking worried about it! Was he crazy?

'I am going insane, why the hell is it bothering me so much?!' Shizuo growled . But he couldn't help the uneasiness in his stomach while thinking about the topic. He turned to his side, willing to stifle that feeling and sleep already.

However, once he closed his eyes, the image of Izaya in his disheveled cloths, dirty face, bloodshot eyes with tears streaks lingering under them flashed in his mind, and it made him shiver. That image alone was enough to break his resolve about stopping to worry. Never in his life did Shizuo imagine Izaya like this, and now that he actually saw him so he couldn't get it out of his mind. Was the raven suffering? It's not like he cares anyways, but was he really suffering that much? Izaya disappeared for a week and the next time Shizuo sees him he's all messed up and trying to jump from a building...

jump from a building...

Where did that come from? That's absurd! It couldn't be that, that makes nonsense!

Or... could it?

No, no...he wouldn't be trying to save himself if he jumped with _his own will,_ right?

But... perhaps.. perhaps he hesitated?! Perhaps he decided to stop before it was too late?

Oh.

 _Oh._

That fit right, That connected the dots. That explained his eclipse, the tears.

Shizuo abruptly sat up in his bed, clutching the covers. His eyes widening upon the realization...

"T-that's it. " The boy concluded with a shiver, not really convinced with his hypothesis.

"That's it." He said again, knowing that there was no other hypothesis that completed the puzzle as much as this one.

He laid back with a sigh, his mind racing with hundreds of possibilities regarding Izaya's reason to do such a thing. He had been down that road before. Hell, he's still drowning in that pit, but he has his obvious reasons. But what about Izaya? Izaya had everything: the looks, the grades, the intelligence, the respect . Why would he do it? That question only brought _doubt_ to his hypothesis, and that gave him a sense of relief. He sighed again.

Shizuo couldn't sleep that night.

But having dealt with his own demons frequently , it wasn't the first night Shizuo didn't sleep during that week.

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 **It's been a long time. and it is so short... I'm sorry.** **But** **I really, absolutely,** ** _genuinely_** ** _need_** **c onstructive criticism. Please leave a review to tell me your opinion, It really matters to me.**

 **PS: Special thanks to my 2 little cutie friends Soussou and smiles (haha) for encouraging me to continue this fic :***


	4. Chapter 4

_-Back to the present time-_

As usual, at the high school gate, Shizuo is met by reluctant 'Good morning' and 'Hi' from his classmates. He greets them back, bowing his head in respect, feeling slightly dazed from the lack of sleep.

'Why are they so hesitant?' He can't help but fume, not the least pleased with them. However, he knows deep down that they were all scared of him, afraid they'd fuel his anger that's always at bay and end up with broken bones. That's what he overheard his classmates say, when they thought he wasn't listening. He wasn't really listening that time, but when you hear your name mentioned in a conversation you can't help but focus a little bit, right?

He sighs, and walks up to his classroom.

Izaya isn't there, is the first thing he notices before sitting in his chair.

Now that he thinks about it, it feels so strange thinking about that flea in a way besides hatred. He's always hated him, despised him, and he's always believed they'd be at each other's throat if they ever happened to meet. However, those feelings quickly vanished into thin air when he realized that all of the louse's murderous plans might be a facade, a wall to hide behind.

A shudder ran through him.

He buries his face into his giant hands, willing to stifle the emotions his thoughts are leading to. A façade, that word alone invokes a quiver in the pit of his stomach, trying to surface upwards while trailing a burning sensation all the way to his throat. His right hand travels to his mouth as he fights the urge to puke, he shuts his eyes tightly. A facade... something he wore since he had been doomed to this hell, since his life has turned upside down without even noticing it at all.

 _'Keep up the facade'_ He's always told himself. ' _Don't lose your poker face'_ He's always insisted.

' _Keep up the facade for Kasuka'_ He's frantically begged himself through shattering teeth and tight throat upon meeting the scrutinizing gaze of his younger brother whenever their eyes crossed. _"Keep it so you won't disappoint him"._ He's gulped the lump in his throat and forced a smile, clutching the hem of his large shirt in a hollow despair. But then, He'd always managed to get away without being suspected, for his known anger and his struggles to keep it down covered his every strange behavior. As a consequence, He'd often vomited afterwards, and even while fighting the shudders of throwing up he's thanked every bit of his will that kept up the _façade_.

Shizuo doesn't even remember when this whole fiasco had started, everything is still a blur to him, from the recurring sleepless nights to the loss of appetite to the overly, irrational use of his monstrous strength, nothing was clear. However, what was sure is that latter never failed to make him worse... to make him hate himself all the more... to make him sink further into the abyss he never knew would strangle him that much.

When teacher entered, everyone stilled, and Shizuo, torn between fighting sleepiness and controlling his emotions, gave up on focusing. He was never interested in classes anyways.

At lunch time, the blond is sitting with two friends, Shinra and Kadota, casually chatting. Actually, only the both of them were chatting. Shizuo is abnormally calm, strangely pacing out, uncharacteristically _pensive_.

"Shizuo-kun?" Shinra's voice cut through the blonde's thoughts, and he looked up immediately, munching a mouthful of rice.

"You were saying, Shinra?" He tries to play if off as if he was following the discussion but happened to space out a bit. He doesn't want to dwell on his actual thoughts too much.

"Shizuo, now that I see it, you don't look fine." Kadota interjects, not buying Shizuo's reaction. "Are you okay?" He asks, his expression featuring concern.

"Yeah, of course." The blonde brushes off his friend's concern with a wave of his free hand, the other is busy stuffing food in his already full mouth. He really doesn't want to dwell on his mind, why do they have to mention how he is now of all times?

"You sure?" Shinra insists. "You have bags all under your eyes, and you are slack and tired, and so unlikely calm, Shizuo-kun!"

At that, something clicks. Instinctively, the blonde teen shoves his bento box right into his friend's face, staining his glasses with rice and smearing sauce all over his uniform.

"DO I SEEM CALM TO YOU?!" He suddenly stands up and roars, nearly breaking his desk. "Do I seem so calm that you needed to point it out sooo much?! Dammit!" He hisses, raising his voice with each syllable while shooting daggers at the perplexed Shinra, as the desk breaks beneath his hands. The victim gulps, scrunching his nose at the disgusting smell and blinking the rest of the sticky substance out of his eyes, inertly scared of another outburst. That was extreme.

Shizuo storms out of the classroom, shaking with unexplained frustration and anger. He was already pissed off at himself for being so weak by over-thinking too much, and these idiots had to point it out like it was the most normal, ordinary, casual thing in the world.

"Damn it!" He curses under his breath, feeling the urge of hitting something creeping up to him. If he doesn't relieve his anger on something, he is afraid he'd do it on _someone_ during the afternoon class.

Meanwhile, Shinra is washing his face repeatedly while looking at the mirror of the school bathroom. The sauce of Shizuo's lunch left nasty traces on his cloths, and its stench was still there. Kadota is leaning against the wall, with folded hands and an eye glancing at boy beside the sink.

"He's been acting strange..." Shinra said. "Don't you think so?" He asks absentmindedly, wiping his glasses with a solemn face, strangely not annoyed with the short-tempered blonde.

"I agree" His friend nods, rubbing his nose bridge. "He usually never gets angry for something like that" He then looks at Shinra with a frown. "I think, we should ask him soon."

"Better be _so_ soon" Shinra says with an exasperated sigh. "I can't have him spill his food on me like this on every occasion he gets mad" He sprawls water on his face again. It was supposed to be a joke, but neither of them laughed. They have noticed it for a while now, something is wrong with their friend, and laughing it off wasn't something decent friends would do.

As for Shizuo, he feels like shit. He hates the display of violence he used on Shinra for something so stupid. It only increased his self-judgment of being a monster, and he hated that. Shizuo is prone to being angry, that was sure. However, that didn't mean he had to scream and break a table like that, because his friends were only worried. They didn't try to pick a fight.

But seriously, what's so wrong with being quiet. The guy has his problems too, he has moments when he just wants to shut off the world and reflect upon his life, his actions; when he wants to wallow and drown into misery when no one understood. _Because_ no one understood.

The blond teen lets out a shaky sigh, feeling the tightness in his chest and the never familiar sting of eyes. He shakes his head. 'That's so stupid, stop that.' He tells himself. He gulps, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. 'Stop it now, since when did I become a softie?' He growls, biting his lip until it draws blood that he roughly wipes with the back of his hand.

Shizuo doesn't realize it when the bell rings and classes begin. He doesn't care, he won't go anyways, not in his current state of mind. He also doesn't realize that he'd heading to the rooftop, because when he opens the door, he's surprised to feel the wind hitting his face and he's facing the skies.

He curses because he has nothing he could punch here, but he's also relieved that there is _no one_ too. Having someone else suffer due to his temper is the last thing Shizuo needs right now.

The boy leans against the door of the rooftop, sliding down to a sitting position and putting his elbows on his knees. He looks in front of him, his body shaking on its own accord.

"Damn it." He growls, punching the ground with his fist full force.

"Damn it!" He punches again, harder. And the third time he punches the rooftop tiles crack, but that doesn't stop him.

He punches again and again, cursing with every punch, and damn did it hurt: his heart, his chest, his head, everything. However, not his hand that has become swollen, not the spurts of blood that gushed, not the tiles that broke into multiple shreds under his fingers did stop him. He had to relieve his anger here, for he doesn't want it to get to him later and choke him mercilessly.

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Thanks for reading, please review.

Aaand... sorry for the lack of words, but I did my best tried to convey the emotions.


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